The year 2020 will have been one of change. I’m used to roller coasters because I tend to go off the beaten track – it has its share of surprises. But 2020 will have been one of storms for me. I think that’s the word that best sums up what I’ve experienced: one storm didn’t wait for the other. But a storm means transformation. Hallelujah.
The most present energy throughout 2020 has been the energy of grief. Grieving a phase of life, relational grief, grief of beliefs, physical grief.
Grieving a phase of life
I was first struck by the midlife crisis two weeks before my birthday. She came in full force. I regret very little or nothing in my life. I am at peace with the choices I make even though I don’t always see where they take me. But at 40, my whole reality seems to have swirled around me like a sandstorm. I was clearly not living what I had planned to be when I was a teenager or what my neighbors were experiencing. It was no worse, in fact, quite the opposite. I couldn’t have dreamed of this life because it is so beyond hope as I grew up. But that’s after you realize it, when the dust settles. Maybe that’s what the crisis is for. To see clearly. To let go, to accept and redefine the way we operate. Reset.
Relational grief
To this grieving has been added that of the end of a relationship as it was and a change of roles. I first took on the title of caregiver and then that of representative. Seeing a parent loose his freedom, his spirit, his landmarks, is hard. I felt like I was responsible for him. Perhaps it was to prepare myself to deal with the loss of my own rights and freedom? When it was precisely this reality that rang at my door, I didn’t let it in. Freedom is my highest value. I think that’s what awakened me. And this message: “The storm is coming. Roof yourself.”
Grieving Beliefs
Spiritual awakening is the awakening of the mind, the awakening of consciousness. And there is nothing glamorous about it, and it is not at all close to a fairy tale. It is, all of a sudden, seeing the matrix, understanding that it is not just a movie, but a reality, our reality. It’s, suddenly, realizing that we have been lied to, that we have been played, and this, moreover, before our very eyes. But that these beautiful eyes, they have been trained since childhood not to see the truth, but to see what we have been taught to look at. It is also to find ourselves alone in a blind crowd, isolated, misunderstood, pointed at.
I doubted, believe me. It was too big, too heavy, too ugly. It hurt too much. And it was so rough, it couldn’t be true. Cognitive dissonance x 100.
The gross inconsistencies got the skin of my dissonance. Then I cried. I felt sick to my stomach. I felt guilty for having avoided seeing for 40 years, for having let it happen and being.
I had hope too, hope for more ease, more love, more brotherhood. I discovered fantastic beings, activists, people who had been awake for decades. I became impatient to see change. I dreamed the world differently. Then got disappointed. I refocused on faith. A roller coaster, a real roller coaster.
Grieving the body
Through this storm came the last grief of 2020, that of my motherhood. No, no, I was not expecting or desiring another child. I have my three wonders with me, in good health. But it was my body that decided it was over. Menopause. I understood then why my body had been showing me so many inexplicable symptoms for the past year. Nausea, weight gain, resistance, among other things.
My body is changing, moving on to another stage. I have to get used to it, acclimatize to a new reality, nourish it differently, listen to it even more closely. I am therefore mourning a phase of life. To be 40 years old was not enough in 2020, I had to add menopause. Intense. But since I don’t do things by half-measures, I got the full package.
This time, I approach this stage with more peace and openness. I don’t want to fight, to create even more separation, more rupture in me. I want to be whole, to welcome and love myself fully.
Renewal
What if all this symbolizes a renewal? This is what I want to embrace in 2021. A new beginning, a new life, different opportunities. I’m well aware that the storm is just beginning for all of us. But I’ve been through many storms before. So have you. I know how to keep my head above water. I have faith in me, faith in you, faith in humanity.
I have learned, in 2020, to come back to myself, to the essential, to my center, to my body, to my energy and my vibration. To my power to create.
I learned to take in, to pay out, to start over. To recognize my value, my role, my place. And to honor it by putting on my crown and declaring myself sovereign of my entire being, of my entire energy field.
And I decided to share it with you simply, in a vulnerable, authentic way, because my role is not to teach you, to make you understand. That is entirely yours. My place is to vibrate and shine my truth and to let it resonate towards you so that you yourself can activate what resonates and, in turn, you will want to put on your crown of sovereignty, so that the resonance wave can continue and, in this way, change our whole world.
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